


synonyms of sin

by 1helluvabutler



Category: Tennis no Oujisama | Prince of Tennis
Genre: Crack, M/M, illegal dick terms, kaidoh is traumatized, so am I
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 10:42:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7099597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1helluvabutler/pseuds/1helluvabutler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidoh's unwillingly taken part of a lot of Inui's messed up researches, but this has got to be the worst one ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	synonyms of sin

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday cecil i htae myself for this

"What are you doing, Inui-senpai?"  
  
Inui's scribbling stopped and his head tilted upwards to look out of whatever algorithm he was composing in his notebook.  
  
"Ah, Kaidoh, funny you should ask. I've decided to conduct a rather curious experiment and right now I'm writing down the data I have so far," Inui said, the glint in his eyes visible even through the thick glasses. Kaidoh had a bad feeling about this.  
  
"What kind of experiment?"  
  
Inui absently tapped the end of his pencil against the notebook like he was itching to get back to writing. "I'm recording the different unusual terms used to refer to male genitalia."  
  
"...I'm sorry?"  
  
"There's no need to be sorry if you couldn't hear; I said I'm recording the different unusual terms used to refer to male genitalia," Inui repeated, pushing up his glasses.  
  
"I'm sorry I asked," Kaidoh corrected himself flatly. Inui didn't seem to notice the sarcasm and turned back to his notebook instead.  
  
"So far I have got: phallus, rigidness, pocket rocket, cherry splitter, ultimate-"  
  
"Alright, alright, I get it!" Kaidoh interrupted urgently, expression horrified. "Just stop reading them out loud like that. Why are you doing this anyway?"  
  
"Why?" Inui grinned mysteriously. "For science, of course; isn't that obvious?"  
  
"Uh, well-"  
  
Inui turned his face upwards once again. "You'll help me with this, right, Kaidoh?"  
  
"What?! I d-definitely don't wan-"  
  
"Then it's settled," Inui interrupted, clicking his pen shut. "You can help me find new terms."  
  
"But I didn-"  
  
"I'll contact you if I find anything new and I expect you to do the same." Inui ignored his protest again and continued his writing.

* * *

  
  
It turned out Inui really _was_ serious about this.  
  
Kaidoh opened his footwear cupboard only to be ambushed by the flood of paper slips stuffed inside, cascading onto the floor and into his bag and holy shit what even _were_ these and why was there so _many_ of them.  His chest filled with dread when he noticed the familiar chicken-scrawl handwriting etched across one. Kaidoh plucked up a slip somehow balancing on one of his uniform buttons, the golden tint of sunlight dousing it like a chosen object in a video game. Heart flipping, he turned it over.  
  
_Prince Everhard of the Netherlands_  
  
Oh no. Kaidoh shook his head as he picked up another one.  
  
_Fuck stem_  
  
_Venom cock_  
  
_Rippling sausage or Burning sausage_  
  
_Purple-headed warrior_  
  
_Wand of penetration_  
  
The phrases were _everywhere_ , attacking Kaidoh from their cushions of white paper at every angle possible, winking up at him from the floor, the cupboard, his bag, from _anywhere_ they had fallen.  
  
Terrified, Kaidoh gathered up the slips as well as he could and stuffed them into his bag. He couldn't risk anybody walking in and seeing the fearsome tennis player shoving his fists into his pockets to avoid showing off the words _sperm shooter_ peeking from a scrap of paper in his clenched and overflowing hands. Kaidoh shook his head at the thought and headed towards the door, feet still clad in his indoor shoes. His feet could last the rest of the day, but his pride sure couldn't if someone found one of these papers.  


* * *

  
  
_Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt. Bz-_  
  
"Mmgrhhello?" Kaidoh drawled out, voice laden and thick with sleep. He rubbed his eyes, prying enough gunk out of them to see the clock beside his bedside table.  2:37AM.  This call better be important.  
  
"Hello?" he repeated after a moment, since the other end still stayed silent.  
  
_"Organic crotch gun."_  
  
Kaidoh froze, not sure if he heard correctly. "What?"  
  
" _Organic crotch gun_ ," the voice repeated with a tint of glee. Kaidoh was puzzled. The voice was so goddamn _familiar_ , but his tired brain couldn't place it anywhere except on his hunt-down-and-kick-their-ass list.  
  
"Who is this?!" he demanded, confusion and irritation burning out the last of his drowsiness. He was tired, but not tired enough to not threaten whoever the fuck was on the other end.  
  
_"Oh, excuse me, Kaidoh, it's Inui. I must have forgotten to introduce myself."_  
  
And just like that, everything made sense. Kaidoh's shoulders slumped as the voice finally clicked in recognition with the introduction, the weird message falling into place as well. Of course, who else could it even be.  
  
"Why are you calling this late?"  
  
_"I found a new one."_  
  
"Yeah, I heard that," Kaidoh said with a shudder. "What about it?"  
  
_"I said I would contact you if I found a new one, didn't I?"_ Well shit, Inui had actually called him in the middle of the night to tell him another word for dick. _"Have you found any?"_  
  
The tennis player shifted uncomfortably and hissed out a sigh. "Well," he began, eyes hesitantly shifting to a small piece of paper by his bedside, "maybe."  It wasn't Kaidoh's fault that Inui's words had made him look up obscure things on the internet.  
  
Inui didn't seem to think so either, voice as excited as it could get when he answered, _"Really?"_  
  
"Y-yeah," Kaidoh said, licking his lips nervously and grabbing the piece of paper with shaky hands. " _Hungry dragon_ and _P-pu-_ " Kaidoh broke off and sucked in a breath. " _P-pul-_ no, I can't say it out loud," he gave up, face burning. How did people say stuff like this on television, he couldn't even get it out on his own without being embarrassed!

 _"That's alright, Kaidoh, you can email it to me if you want,"_ Inui sounded on the other end and Kaidoh's shoulders sagged in relief.

"Really?"

 _"Sure._ _Thank you for your help, Kaidoh. I'll see you in morning practice."_

Kaidoh swallowed down the smile threatening to break. "Good night, senpai."  


* * *

  
  
Kikumaru was the first to offer help without being asked, suddenly appearing to slouch all over Kaidoh's desk during a break.  
  
"Hey Kaidoh, I heard you and Inui-senpai are doing something interesting!"  
  
Kaidoh flushed at the wink and scandalous look his teammate threw him. "What?! I-it's not like that!" he protested loudly and Kikumaru's giggles rang throughout the classroom, making heads turn to look at them. A venomous glare from Kaidoh fixed the staring, but did nothing for his red dusting his cheeks.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, calm down. Anyway, I got one for ya," Kikumaru motioned Kaidoh closer, expression suddenly more serious. Kaidoh complied, feeling a strange sense of dread.  
  
"Have you got _Blaine-meat_ yet?"  
  
"Blaine-meat?" Kaidoh parroted, feeling the tension ebb from his shoulders. Nothing too bad.  
  
"Yeah, Blaine-meat! It's from an American TV show one of my sisters makes me watch. There's a guy named Blaine and people called his dick _Blaine-meat._ And there was more than one guy who preferred meat over vegetables," Kikumaru smiled mysteriously, stretching languidly and getting up.  
  
Kaidoh blinked uneasily. "R-right."  
  
"Although in you case, I guess you could probably say _Inui-meat_ instead," the third-year said with a smug grin and Kaidoh's face turned as crimson as Kikumaru's hair.  
  
_"Senpai!"_  
  
Kikumaru's raucous laughter followed him into the hallway and Kaidoh was left with a blush that refused to go away and nosy stares from the people around him.  


* * *

  
  
  
The phone rang at exactly 2:37AM again; but this time, Kaidoh was ready for it. Or as ready as he could be, knowing he could get an earful of dick-slang.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
_"Throbbing mea-"_  
  
Kaidoh hung up mid-word.  


* * *

  
  
  
"So how's the research going?"  
  
Inui's chopsticks paused for a moment, then lowered back into the bento box as he looked at Kikumaru. "It's going rather well. Western media seems to have a whole collection of strange phrasings I had never heard before."  
  
"Like what?" Kikimaru asked, eyeing a piece of meat in Inui's lunchbox hungrily. He had already finished his own and also a part of Oishi's meal, leaving him to either beg for scraps or flat-out steal them from his teammates; either way Kikumaru was getting his food and since Kaidoh was already done with lunch, Kikumaru chose to try his luck with the one person who was still on court and whose food might not poison him.  
  
"For example, there was a horror movie which used the phrase _husband's bulge_ ; Kaidoh didn't like the movie that much, but I find it was better-written than the one that used _glossy rod of muscle and blood_ , or the movie with _pants weasel_."  
  
"You're kidding," Kikumaru blinked, attention diverted from the potential meal. "Those are not real."

Inui shook his head. "No, I assure you, they are."

"Wow, those are _terrible!_ Even worse than _mayonnaise cannon_ or _one-eyed snake_ or _fire-hose_ ," Kikumaru scoffed, eyes wide with incredulity.

"Not to mention the ones with _throbbing giggle-stick_ or _holy wand of man juice_." Inui slapped away the hand steadily inching towards his lunch. _"Throbbing lavender man-fruit thing_ was also rather bad."  
  
Kaidoh could be seen fervently banging his head against a pole in the background.  


* * *

  
  
  
Inui's lips were soft but insistent against his, the hot puffs of their shared breath fogging up Inui's glasses, the soft murmurs of _"Kaoru"_ sending shivers up his spine. The hand under his shirt slowly inched over his abs, mapping out each muscle as it went upwards. Suddenly the hand stilled and Inui's mouth pulled away from his.  
  
"Senpai, are you okay? D-did I do something-"  
  
"I just remembered something," Inui answered solemnly, staring off into the distance. "I watched a western movie a few days ago."

"...Alright?"

"Your penis," Inui nodded towards the clothed crotch. "You can also call it a purple-headed yogurt squirter."

  
  
The sound Inui made when he was pushed off the bed rang throughout the entire Kaidoh household.


End file.
